


The Electronic Girlfriend Factor

by nice_girls_play



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: F/M, Infidelity, M/M, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-04
Updated: 2011-12-04
Packaged: 2017-10-26 22:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/288416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nice_girls_play/pseuds/nice_girls_play
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone finds a femslash photo on Howard's photobucket. It's only the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Electronic Girlfriend Factor

\--

Men, Penny thinks, should not give their significant others their internet passwords. It's too dumb to even be called suicidal. Most men don't even need to do THAT to ruin a relationship and, having spent the majority of her life in the company of them, she should know. Most are stupid enough to leave their stupidity out in the open for someone to find -- whether it's a public blog entry, a stack of magazines in their bathroom or discussing their sex life with the three precise people least likely to keep a secret.

In Howard's case, his stupidity lies in a spectacularly explicit JPEG he apparently downloaded to the general album of his photobucket account (and in not changing the original file name -- "gift4Batsy 7" -- to something a little less incriminating). The album he gave his girlfriend-now-fiancee the password to ages ago when he wanted to show her some of his photos from Comic Cons past.

By the time Bernadette opens the page to show Penny on Girls' Night, the photo's already disappeared -- either deleted or spirited away to the sanctuary of a private folder or the ether of Howard's numerous flash and external hard drives.

"You said they were wearing masks and capes?" she asks, filling the shot glass next to her on the table.

"Yes. And body suits. Torn body suits," her fingers linger in the air near her breasts, indicating just where the tears were.

"One black and yellow?"

"Yes."

"One back with kind of light lilacky purple accents and ears?"

"Yes! Have you seen it before?"

"That's Batgirl and Catwoman." And, oh, how she hates the fact that she knows that.

She'd been put through the Batman Universe in Mass Media crash course after the Great Adam West Misspeak of '09, including being forced to watch both seasons of the late 1960s TV show. Where Sheldon had all but clamped her eyes open through some of the cheesiest camp put on by some of the most awarding-winning actors she'd ever seen. She'd cried and tried to look away when she saw Roddy McDowall as the Book Worm.

She waits and waits and finally downs Bernie's shot for her.

"Was it cosplayers?"

"Huh?"

"Costume play, sweetie." Another thing she kind of wishes she didn't know about. "Were the girls in the photo in costume?"

"It wasn't a photo and they weren't girls. It was like a page from one of the comics. Only.. *not* like the comics."

Not just porn then -- fan art porn. Great.

Of course the title of the file sparks their next discussion -- because "gift4Batsy 7" indicates that Batsy got six other photos BEFORE this one.

Bernie and Amy spend the next hour discussing whether fan art can be considered pornography and, though the exchange of it, sex by proxy. Whether virtual sex still counts as sex without the necessary tangible biological exchanges that constitute sex in the "real world" with Amy acting as a cheerleader for all the well-meaning but perhaps overly-friendly technophiles of the world and Bernadette looking increasingly queasy and distressed beneath the friendly smile.

Penny sighs and goes to open another bottle of tequila.

\--

Her AC adapter shorts out and the cheapest one she can find on Amazon takes 5 to 8 days to ship. She shuts down her laptop to conserve what little battery life she can and sneers at the bare-bones Net 10 phone she switched to four months ago so she'd be able to eat (Sheldon had convinced her to conserve the residuals from her commercial work which, thankfully, had picked up in the last few months -- even gifting her a hollowed-out Wonder Woman statue as incentive).

The abstention lasts three days before she remembers she also cancelled the automatic payments on her electricity and the cheque was due last week. Unfortunately for Leonard's coffee table (and her brand new H&M pants) she remembers in the middle of a bite of orange chicken.

"Laptop! Laptop! Internet emergency. Anyone's, *please*." She doesn't question it when someone places one in her hands followed by a couple of napkins (Sheldon), just lifts the lid and boots it up, sliding the cursor over the Google Chrome icon on the desktop.

"Whose laptop is this?" she asks after she's paid the light bill and can breathe again.

"Mine," Raj says. And isn't that sweet? Four years and a startling Lonely Hearts Club one-night-stand later, Raj can not only look her in the eye, he can also talk to her without the aid of alcohol. She smiles.

"Thanks, Raj!" she closes out the window and starts to hand it back to him when his desktop image catches her eye. "Umm, Raj?"

"Sorry! Sorry!" He shuts the lid hastily, taking the laptop from her. "Usually I'm the only person who sees my content."

Somewhere in the background, Leonard makes a remark emphasising the word 'content,' but her head is still too full of DC girl-on-girl action to pay attention.

"That didn't look like something you'd pick for your desktop." She could see Raj picking an image of Catwoman and Batgirl cuddling close inside a large pink heart -- not the sweaty, technicolor orgasmic display she just glanced at, complete with pearlescent accents and strategically placed icons.

"It wasn't," he says and she follows his pointed gaze straight to Wolowitz's place on the sofa, where the shorter man is smirking around a fork-full of lo mein.

"What? It's art. Objet d'amour."

"You're gross, Howard."

"Don't let the cockblocking men in spandex fool you. Barbara and Selina were made for each other."

"Wait," Leonard breaks in, "are we talking about Barbara as Oracle or Barbara as Batgirl after the reboot?"

Penny restrains herself from throwing the rest of her chicken at his head (but it's a near thing).  
\--

Women, Penny thinks, should really not ask questions they don't want to know the answer to. Well, not women in general, actually. Just her.

Like the morning two weeks after the internet emergency, when she accidentally drops the head for her electric toothbrush down the sink, prompting an impromptu bit of MacGuyver-esque plumbing with a flashlight and a modified coat hanger. Making her late for an audition which was just far enough across town that she depletes what's left in her checking account to fill her gas tank.

Things continue to descend from there: the battery in her phone dies and she can't find her charger cord. She trips getting out of the car and the edge of one of the high heels she wore for the audition scratches her ankle deeply enough that it bleeds -- dripping down to the edge of her shoe. She can't find her clean uniform skirt to wear to her closing shift at the Cheesecake Factory and she doesn't have time to clean and dry one of the other three before leaving the apartment.

On this day, she makes the unholy, unpardonable mistake of asking herself 'could things be any worse?'

And, of course, the answer is YES.

Because in addition to her clean skirt being missing, her access card for the cash register is also nowhere to be found. She checks and re-checks her wallet, handbag, the pockets of both of her favorite hoodies. She e-mails everyone she's had contact with in the past three days before going across the hall (still carrying her computer) to pound on Leonard and Sheldon's door.

"Aren't those cards supposed to be left at the establishment?" Sheldon asks, craning his next to peer under the rug.

"Technically yeah, but I was in a hurry. It was Wii Sports Night." Oh God, what have these boys done to her?

"If you continue to insist on not getting yourself a bowl, they have these little rows of hooks at the hardware store you can just screw right into the wall--"

"Keep looking, Sheldon!" Leonard's voice calls out from the kichen, accompanied by some slamming cabinet doors.

He looks mutinous for half a second before he moves on to turning over the cushions on the sofa -- conspicuously avoiding his own cushion because what reason would it have to be there?

Finally, an e-mail alert pops up on her laptop:

_FROM: rkoothrappali@caltech.edu  
TO: queen_penelope85@gmail.com  
Attc: barbielina12.txt_

_RE: Lost my access card HELP!_

_I found it! It was on the rug under my coffee table. You must have dropped it when we moved it back after Wii Bowling. I'm on my way._

_Raj_

She smiles dropping her head onto the back of the couch. And only then does she notice the file attachment.

She can guess what happened -- she's done this before. Attached the same file to two separate, wholly unrelated e-mails in a rush, because she was in a hurry and her brain hadn't caught up with what she was typing in multiple windows. Three Christmases ago, she'd accidentally sent her sister the same "Sexy Santa" photo she'd had taken for Mike. Family holidays in Omaha hadn't been quite the same since.

Respect for a friend's privacy, of course, dictates that she just close the page and wait for Raj to arrive. But she started keeping her "respect" and "friend's privacy" in separate cages almost four years ago and, after a few seconds of deliberation, her curiosity gets the better of her.

_the_catwoman_1: "*breathes in and out slowly, eyes down to watch her chest pull away from the rope bound across it with each breath* You know, this is a bit like old times -- you having me under a barrel and NOT calling the cops.")  
TAFKA_oracle: "You're shifting a lot, Selina. Are you not having fun? Shame. *walks around the back of the chair* You looked like you were having fun last night."  
TAFKA_oracle: (and it's OVER a barrel)  
the_catwoman_1: "*shifting, testing the integrity of the ropes around her wrists* You were watching? Oh Barbara, you have untold depths."  
the_catwoman_1: "Though I suppose after so many years on the bench, you'd be rather used to watching."  
TAFKA_oracle: "You're pretty remarkable yourself. Tell me -- why did you need to take your boots off to have sex with Bruce but not your pants?"  
the_catwoman_1: "*stares, unblinking, voice low* You really want me to tell you?"_

"Seven ninty-three."

"What?!" she squeaks, eyes skittering off the screen to look up at Sheldon's face.

"That's how much the rows of hooks cost at the hardware store."

"Okay," she lets her gaze fall back to the screen, skimming the text.

_TAFKA_oracle: "*undoes the zipper slowly, tracing a gloved finger just outside the opening* Remind me to get the number of your tailor."_

"Strange isn't it? Most prices end in a 5 or a 9--"

Whatever wackadoodle theory Sheldon has for the odd price phenomenon is interrupted Raj's arrival at the door, slightly out of breath, card in hand. She slams the laptop shut and attacks him, pulling him into a hug and kissing his cheek before grabbing her card and running out the door.

That moment stays with her for the rest of her shift: Raj, who'd (still panting from his vault up four flights of stairs) hugged her back, one arm slung across her shoulders and accepted her cheek peck with not so much as a blush or a turned pelvis. Raj, who a few months ago had talked about wanting a relationship with her after their one-night-stand and seemed disappointed when she said no. Who'd seemed to hit a wall with his loneliness the way most people did with tequila shooters and too much reality TV and woken up with a permanent distaste for ice cream and Bridget Jones.

He seems happier these days -- less displaced, more at ease, less frowny.

Later, after her shift is over and she's changed out of her uniform and into her pjs, she opens up her laptop and finds the file still open, now scrolled to the bottom of the page.

_TAFKA_oracle: i love you, Selina.  
the_catwoman_1: Black card, Howard.  
TAFKA_oracle: did it get weird?  
the_catwoman_1: You forgot the quotes again. _

\--

Girls' Night is a slightly more somber event the following week. Partly because Penny bought a 12-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper and a bottle of grenadine in place of the usual cocktails. Partly because Bernadette spends the majority of it in the bathroom, fingers flying over the keys of her smartphone. The pizza is ordered, arrives and is half-eaten and she's still in there, occasionally answering Penny's knocks (but not always).

"Bernadette's been researching interfaith ceremonies," Amy says.

"Oh. That's nice," she nods, picking a piece of pepperoni off her her slice.

"And polyamory."

The pepperoni (which had felt plenty cool on her fingers) burns her tongue and she coughs, covering her mouth to keep it from flying across the room.

"How's *that* going?" The answer is delayed by what sounds like a hand-sized, very expensive piece of plastic rebounding off the bathroom wall.

"Not well."

\--

Penny keeps the file open on her laptop.

She scrolls through the chat log several times, occasionally picking out words like 'tonguing' and 'moaning' and 'Batarang-shaped-vibrator' before covering her eyes or slamming the lid shut. Knowing she shouldn't but it's like a very strange slow moving train wreck, or the first time she peeked inside her mother's dresser and discovered a collection of dog-eared Silhoutte paperbacks under a stack of plain cotton Fruit of the Loom underwear. Compelling and thought-provoking and very, very wrong.

She lingers on the words inside parentheses, the little asides where they break character:

_the_catwoman_1: (Why is it always leather on her uniform? That stuff starts to chafe after a while.)  
TAFKA_oracle: (she might have some more vents tucked away in other places)  
the_catwoman_1: (Those aren't as easy to conceal as you think.)_

_TAKFA_oracle: (whoa, selina likes to top from the bottom, huh?)_

_TAFKA_oracle: (nice bit of sentiment from her here)  
the_catwoman_1: (She's missed her friend.)_

Her eyes linger on the two of them when they're together in a group, watching the twelfth episode of Carl Sagan's "epic documentary experience" _Cosmos_ while Sheldon and Leonard tinker with the old Nintendo console which has -- "disastrously!", to quote Sheldon -- stalled on vintage video game night.

They're sitting close together, as usual, Bernie and Howard shunted to one sideof the couch by Sheldon's need for space, Raj sitting on the floor near Howard's Vans shoes. When the alien abduction dramatization comes on, Howard covers both Raj and Bernie's eyes -- because it's a "scary part" (though truly, he's the only one who looks the least bit rattled). Raj's smile and Bernie's stiff shoulders. It's like watching a dueling tightrope act.

Penny continues eating her mooshoo pork and tries not to think about who's going to slip first.

\--

To her surprise, the first one to fall is Howard.

The scratch on her ankle is almost healed (it looks, disturbingly, like Heath Ledger's Joker smile, smirking up at her in the shower) when she gets a callback for the Carnation formula commercial. The director knows her as the "Sittin' Pretty" girl and the young AD who sets up her camera test decides it's her new name. She smiles through it and even manages not to wince when said AD kisses her cheek and the baby she's holding spits up on her shirt.

Howard is sitting at the bottom of the stairwell when she gets home.

He looks like a six-year-old boy. More crumpled against the bottom stair than sitting, fingers running through his hair over and over again.

"Hey."

When he looks up at her, she's reminded of him alone in his bedroom a few years ago, telling her he was fine in the taut echo of someone fighting to control their breathing.

She's known small men who stand tall and big men who feel like little men inside, so they bully others to make themselves feel even bigger (her father stood outside both categories neatly and without comment, her brother not so much). Kurt may have been built like a fireplug, but he was like glass. Tap him hard enough in the right spot and he shattered.

Howard stands tall all the time and it takes a lot more than tapping to find his vulnerable points, but she knows that when he cracks, it's hard to put him back together.

He opens his mouth once, then a second time, all of his breath fleeing in a final ragged sigh when no vocalization emerges.

She nods once, setting her purse on the step next to him. "Halo night?"

He nods. She reaches for his arm, pulling him up to stand.

"Go. Go talk to her. I'll play for you."

He blinks wetly at her -- a confounding bit of erratic morse code that might translate to"thank you" or "why are you being nice to me?" or maybe (if he has any self-awareness at all) even "how much do you know?"

Either way, he doesn't stick around for her answer.

None of the others seem disturbed by her announcement that she's pinch-hitting, apart from Sheldon whose objections last as long as it can take him to grab the controller to prevent her from blasting the hell out of him a second time.

\--

The text from Bernadette comes the next day when she's about to go on break.

'The wedding's off.' -- B.

She thumbs open her contacts list. Bernadette answers after two rings.

"Where are you?"

"I'm outside in the parking lot."

Penny grabs a day-old raspberry cheesecake from the kitchen on her way out.

They sit on a bench in the park nearby, eating and watching kids walk by with their parents, sweethearts holding hands, musclehead guys on roller blades. Bernie rests her head on Penny's shoulder and Penny squeezes her arm.

"You're going to be fine, sweetie."

"I know, " she says, with all the certainty befitting a gifted microbiologist in a voice that is raw and thready and spent with tears.

"Want me to spit in his cheeseburger every week for the next six months?"

Hearing her friend laugh out loud is well worth the masticated raspberry and cream cheese frosting that ends up smeared across her uniform vest.

\--

Stuart's hosting another costume party at the shop. This time it's a charity event for the local artists guild, which hosts, among other things, a Fantasy and Superhero drawing group.

It's a Marvel vs. DC party. There's no contest, no prizes to be won. And the catch is everyone who RSVP's "yes" to the event has to pick their comic publisher out of a bowl (to keep the ratios even). Leonard and Howard pick DC. Penny, Amy, Raj and Sheldon all pick Marvel.

"DIBS ON MAGNETO!" Sheldon cries out, triumphantly.

"Damn it!" Raj curses silently, because while talking in front of Penny is fine now, talking in front of Amy is still out of the question.

They discuss possible costumes for her and Amy over creamy tomato soup and sandwiches from Soup Plantation.The boys make a case for Penny as Mystique, which she immediately rules out.

"I'm not standing naked in a tub for three hours while Howard paints me blue. Not happening."

Howard, who has a mouthful of chocolate ice cream, makes cartoonish "sadface" eyes and mimes a single tear rolling down his cheek. Raj swats his elbow. Leonard mentions Emma Frost, which Sheldon tries to rule out.

"Oh come on! Emma's blonde -- she wouldn't even have to wear a wig. What's the problem?"

"Because, Leonard, Emma Frost is an intelligent, precise strategist with an IQ that nearly rivals Beast, culture to match Magneto and multiple degrees in both counseling and criminal enterprise."

Penny starts tapping her spoon against the plate at 'multiple degrees.' Amy, apparently interpreting this as a sign that she's still hungry, passes her a dish of spring peas.

"Not to mention," Sheldon continues, "she also has the taste to date equally intelligent or useful men such as Tony Stark, Namor, Sebastian Shaw and Scott Summers. Penny, you dated Leonard."

She finds an adult Emma costume and some silver gogo boots on eBay the next day and can't hit the 'Buy It Now' button fast enough.

\--

By the time the night of the party rolls around, Sheldon has decided Magneto's comic book outfit is "too red" and "too reminiscent of his Flash outfit." Plus red makes him look blotchy (Leonard looks at Penny, who holds her hands up to show their pristine cleanliness). In its place, he's sewn a near-exact replica of Michael Fassbender's yellow and black outfit from First Class, topped off with a lightweight handcrafted replica of the helmet from a clearly gifted craft-seller on Etsy.

In keeping with the X-men theme, Amy chooses to attend the party as Moira McTaggert, who as either a geneticist or a covert CIA agent, she insists would wear ordinary clothes to avoid detection.

"I can do a Scottish brogue for you if you want," she says.

"Please don't," Leonard says, adjusting the tie on his cape (the boots HAVE made him taller). Penny hugs her. Sheldon very nearly pats her shoulder and instead, passes her a replica of Moira's CIA badge which she secrets in the front pocket of her hoodie.

"Superman doesn't wear glasses, Leonard."

"Clark Kent does."

"Not with his Superman uniform on he doesn't."

Half an hour later, Howard and Raj appear at the front door. Penny glimpses a flash of two leather bodices in her peripheral vision while Amy helps her straighten her own midriff.

"Holy gender swap, Batman." If Leonard is droll in the face of his friends' costumes, Sheldon is apoplectic.

"Raj, you cheat! You picked 'Marvel' out of the bowl! You can't come as Catwoman!"

A claw-gloved hand cupped around his ear, Howard drops a defiant "Oops" that is only shaking a little underneath the bravado.

Seeing Raj in a female costume is nothing new for any of them (they'd all watched Sheldon mend some torn seams in his Lt. Uhura costume when Raj's own sewing machine broke). But Penny's only ever seen Howard in a girl costume in an 8" x 10" frame on the wall of Stuart's shop. It's a different Batgirl costume this time -- full body suit and heeled boots, new shorter wig with no telltale flyaway of acrylic fibers, no skirt but darts for a bodice that fit just closely enough to accentuate the padded bra he's wearing underneath it.

Raj looks confident, almost swaggering under the leather and make-up but Howard's lips are almost white underneath the mask and his shoulders are twitching below the ramrod stiff posture he's attempting.

Penny gets it. Amy gets it, if the soft hand reaching for her wrist underneath a belled sleeve is any indication. Leonard and Sheldon are, thankfully, too busy arguing to get it.

"Technically Catwoman fought Elektra in the '96 DC vs. Marvel series."

"That was a crossover! Crossovers don't count!"

Somehow Sheldon's shouting through the Magneto helmet makes him _less_ menacing rather than the other way around.

Penny squeezes Amy's fingers and moves toward the two black-clad rivals.

"Well, I think you both look great. And Howard, you are going to have so many drunk guys grabbing your boobs tonight!" She emphasizes her point by patting the shorter man's cheek before angling for the door knob. "Sheldon, stop whining. We're going to be late!"

They're half a block away from the comic book store when Amy turns to Howard and Raj, who are lagging behind them.

"I hope you have fun. And don't worry. I'm told anxiety on a first date is perfectly natural. You were wise to choose an outing that included four chaperones."

The funny noise that emanates from Raj's throat is almost verbal and Penny mentally scores another point for his ongoing progress (she also notes the way Howard grabs Raj's hand immediately and scores a point for his).

Penny links her fingers with Amy's and increases her pace half a step, maintaining the barrier between them and the too-short Superman and too-Texan Magneto leading them to the front door. The familiar synth notes of Prince's "Bat Dance" greet them as they cross the threshold inside.

"Did I say the wrong thing?" Amy asks.

"No, sweetie. Just the wrong time. Never mind, it's a party!"

**Author's Note:**

> The comics panel Howard and Raj are discussing in the chat log is [this one](http://freethoughtblogs.com/camelswithhammers/2011/09/28/batman-and-catwoman-depicted-having-sex-is-it-sexist/). "tafka_oracle" spelled out is 'the artist formerly known as oracle' (because Howard is a dork and so am I). I work at the American Academy of Art in Chicago (best known as Alex Ross's alma mater) and Marvel vs. DC day was a semi-regular costume event until very recently.


End file.
